not for you. only for you.

just finished mj at cynthia's place.. really hate people who throw chips :/
anyway im not working tomorrow. was thinking to work half day but well.. sleep is important. hey, its not that money is no its just that.. maybe i wont even have the mood to work.

i miss how.. you used to go to the movies with me.
i miss how.. you used to wait for me while i go shopping.
i miss how.. you used to bring me go drinking.
i miss how.. you used to cook for me even when i dont want you to.
i miss how.. you used to hug me to sleep.
i miss how.. you used to pei me eat whatever i want to.
i miss how.. you used to blog about how much you love me.
i miss how.. theres really too many to say.. really.

you're gonna see somthing which you have seen

在东京铁塔 第一次眺望
看灯火模仿 坠落的星光
我终於到达 但却更悲伤
一个人完成 我们的梦想

你总说 时间还很多 你可以等我
以前我不懂得 未必明天 就有以后

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

没看你脸上 张扬过哀伤
那是种多么 寂寞的倔强
你拆了城墙 让我去流浪
在原地等我 把自己捆绑

你没说 你也会软弱 需要依赖我
我就装不晓得 自由移动 自我地过

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了
灵魂像飘浮着
你在就好了
我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰
你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

previously when i blogged this, it was because it was really touching.
now.. its because thats how im feeling.
previously i said it wasnt me not my relationship.
now.. its me its my relationship.

i hate how.. im always a bad girlfriend.
i hate how.. i cannot give in a little bit more.
i hate how.. my ego is so huge.
i hate how.. i change my mind so fast.
i hate how.. i miss you yet cannot touch you.
i hate how.. petty, possessive and insensitive i am.
i hate how.. i betrayed you twice.
i hate how.. i cant make you trust me again.
i hate how. i cry and cry but yet you cannot feel me.

i have been a better friend than a girlfriend.
i buy things for my friends just to.. tell them that i love them. because i love surprises so i surprise them. its nothing big or expensive but still..
i havent seen him for 2-3 days and i didnt even buy a single thing for him. i know he dont need anything but sometimes its just the thought that counts.
i didnt blog when we quarrel because i know if i were to blog i will surely say all his bad stuffs. now that im blogging openly that we are at the "down" side of our relationship is because i know its entirely my fault.

people who know me [and him], know that he's someone who is very da nan ren. he apologised and i still go.. you know?
he is the first bf i change for, first i give in so much that people around me dont even recognise me. i used to be a da nv ren and all my exs gave in to me. im not saying that i treat him better. i just want everyone to know that i love him alot. more than any bf i ever had. i know how you gonna say i always say this when i with this or that bf. but people who know me will know what im talking about..

i love freedom but i love him more.
im not talking about the freedom to go clubbing and meet new guys, or go out with my guy friend.
im talking about.. the freedom to do what i want that is not betraying him.
i nearly go clubbing but i thought i didnt want to disappoint him again.
i thought that.. if he were to go clubbing i will explode.
i just want him to trust me again but i know that trust just cannot be gained easily.
even after 1 year where i didnt do anything to betray him, its not enough to gain his trust. because i did it once i did it twice.

can you forgive me?
can you trust me again?
can we be like how we used to be?